My wife and I have been married for two years and recently settled in my hometown and bought our first house. We previously lived in an apartment building in a big city with maintenance people who came to fix anything that broke. Shortly after we bought the house, I got a promotion at work and now work out of town a lot. Whenever anything goes wrong with the house, or car, usually my dad will come over to help out. For instance, one day my wife got a flat tire, and it would take AAA an hour to get there, so I told her to text my dad and he'd come help her change it. More recently, a fuse blew and needed replacing so my dad came and fixed it. Whenever he comes over to fix something, he likes to walk my wife through how to do it so that if it happens again she'll know how. He has two sons and three daughters and this is how he taught all of us basic tasks like changing a tire, changing our own oil, replacing fuses, unclogging a drain, cleaning gutters, etc. My wife was never taught these things and spent her adult life having building maintenance do everything for her.

The thing is, this annoys my wife. She complains to me that he is "mansplaining" to her. I spoke to her on the phone after the fuse incident and made sure everything was taken care of and she said "yea, I just had to listen to your dad mansplain the whole time about how to do it." This is upsetting to me. I told her that was disrespectful-he was taking time out of his day to come help her and also it isn't "mansplaining" if she doesn't know how to do it-it is literally just explaining how to do it so she can do it herself in the future. She replied that she didn't need him to explain it to her because she could just Google it if she wanted to learn, so I told her next time to use Google instead of calling my dad. Now she is mad at me and saying I am being "unsupportive" and I should talk to my dad and explain how he is making her feel. I told her I would not be doing that and if she wanted a maintenance guy that didn't talk, she could call one up the next time a fuse blew and sit in the dark until he found time to get to her. She hung up on me and our communication has been chilly since. I am not sure how to move forward. I think she is being rude and she says I am not "hearing" her and keeps talking about how harmful "mansplaining" is to women. I get the bigger picture of mansplaining but that's not what my dad is doing! I'm also a little dismayed that my wife has no interest in learning how to maintain our house. I don't expect her to learn how to rewire the whole thing but knowing how to light the pilot light on the hot water tank would be nice.

-It's Not Mansplaining If You Don't Know

Dear It's Not Mansplaining If You Don't Know, It's quite clear that you value the practical skills your father imparted to you and your siblings, and it's natural to want your wife to benefit from that same knowledge. However, the essence of "mansplaining" isn't just about whether someone knows something or not; it's about the condescending tone that can sometimes accompany the explanation, especially when directed towards women. It's also about not recognizing or respecting the other person's autonomy in choosing when or how to learn something. Your wife's frustration might not stem from the content of what your father is teaching but from the manner in which it's being delivered. Or it could be that she feels infantilized by the assumption that she needs teaching in every instance. Her preference for looking up solutions on Google is a modern approach to problem-solving, and it's important to acknowledge and respect that. The key to moving forward is communication. Rather than dismissing her feelings, it might be helpful to ask her to elaborate on what aspects of your father's help she finds condescending. Is it his tone, his insistence, or the implication that she can't handle issues on her own? Understanding this could help in finding a compromise. Consider having a calm discussion with your father as well, explaining your wife's perspective-not accusingly, but to help him understand that his well-intentioned explanations might sometimes be perceived differently than he intends. At the same time, communicate with your wife about the practicalities of house maintenance and how you both can address issues in a way that feels respectful and empowering to her. Maybe she would be open to a more structured lesson on household tasks at a time when she's ready to engage, rather than in the middle of a crisis situation. Both parties' feelings are valid here: your father's desire to help and teach, and your wife's desire to feel respected in her own learning process. With mutual understanding and respect, there is a path forward that acknowledges your wife's autonomy and still keeps the family peace. -Understanding Bridges